Journal

Fe(el/ar).

I’ve been told many times that I shouldn’t have to control every aspect of my life. That I shouldn’t have to protect myself from the unknown. That I need to let things change my life.
But I’m in love with my life. And I don’t want it to change.
And I guess that is where I go wrong. Because without change, there is no love. No growth. No expansion of feelings. Nothing.
And the worst part for me is that I have no idea what I would do without the constant fear of strange things in this world.

Fear.
The hardest part for me is being alone.
No, it’s not loneliness, it’s being alone.
The feeling of being helplessly alone in a room without my cries for help being heard.
That’s the difference.

Alone time is often feared for the risk of mental and emotional destruction caused by overthinking. Those aren’t my demons.
I am not afraid to overuse my emotional overthinking. This is only a tiny speck in my fears.

My fear of alone time is my physical safety. Where I cannot feel safe even in the four corners that keep me isolated from the whole world.
I am haunted. And it’s not by the ghosts that hide under white sheets.
I am constantly reminded of the harm that can be possibly inflicted upon me.

I’m not scared of the dark, true.
I’m scared of the person I fear the most that might be in the dark, true.

I fear for my safety rather than my emotional health.
And that’s when I can’t comprehend how someone can leave such a scar.
When will be the first time that I will ever feel safe?

Journal, Poems

February 25, 2017.

That night,
You held me in your arms.
You wiped the tears as they spilled from my eyes.
Without judgement,
You told me to not let my past define me.
Nestled in your safety,
I had never felt such comfort before this.

That night,
You reminded me I was a good person.
You knew the words I longed to hear for years.

That night,
I realized I loved you.
My world didn’t know sunlight until I met you.
I love you with a love I never knew existed.

Journal

Refresher.

I am a strong believer in the power of new beginnings.

January 1st is usually that time of year where we all make impossible promises to ourselves and just hope that we can forgive ourselves enough to try again next year. It’s all fine. At least you’re planning.

New Year and birthdays are good opportunities to both reflect on past achievements (and failures) and look ahead. They can serve as an opportunity to focus on what you want to achieve and who you want to become.

This past year has been one crazy roller coaster ride for me. I don’t feel myself being the same person I was even a few months ago, and I am completely fine with it. That being said, I hope to change my focus and live a little this next year. I want a more adventurous, balanced, and fulfilling life. Hereโ€™s a list based on my dreams, maybe someone will feel inspired by some points.

โˆ™โ€ขโˆ™

Adventure.

๐ŸŒŒ marvel at the night sky

โœจ say yes more often

๐ŸŒŠ discover a few secret beach paradises

๐Ÿž appreciate nature more

Soul.

๐Ÿฝ try a new food every month (or every week if I’m feeling’ a little bold)

๐Ÿ“ธ document my life with photos

โš– find my inner zen

๐Ÿ’‡๐Ÿป get the hair I want

๐Ÿ•ฏ minimalism

๐Ÿ”ฎ pay attention to the hidden magic in life

๐Ÿƒ practice mindfulness

๐Ÿ“– read at least two books per month

๐Ÿ–Š write a lot

๐Ÿ’Œ write more letters

Health.

โฐ develop a healthy sleeping pattern

๐Ÿšด๐Ÿป do some kind of physical activity at least 3x a week

๐ŸŒ drink more smoothies (and water!)

๐ŸŽ feed my body with more fruits and veggies

๐Ÿ›€๐Ÿป get enough rest

People.

๐Ÿ’ž strive for real connections beyond superficialities. talk about meaningful things.

โค๏ธ always let people know how much theyโ€™re appreciated

๐Ÿ’› take the little extra step to make people happy

๐Ÿ’š more hugs and less fear of being touchy-feely

๐Ÿ’™ be a better girlfriend and work on my short temper

๐Ÿ’œ take good care of my relationships โ€“ both friends and family

๐Ÿ’– connect with fellow creatives and bloggers

Personal & Professional Goals.

๐Ÿ–‹ improve my writing skills

๐Ÿ“š invest more time in my studies

๐ŸŒธ learn more about the world. Random fun facts never hurt anyone.

๐Ÿ’ป work on my blog

โˆ™โ€ขโˆ™

Of course this isn’t all going to be done all at once. But I know I am capable of completing all of these. I am so determined. Iโ€™ll tackle a few every month and keep track of the regular ones with lists. I’m so excited!

Journal

Soul food.

Reading has always been a form of coping for me when I need a break, an escape, a stress-reliever, a decision influence (this works sometimes, I swear), etc.
Reading a book twice might be seen as a criminal act to some people. But we, as humans, are constantly changing. Our decoding and interpretation of words is endlessly evolving.
My favorite way of exploring my emotional (and intellectual) growth is by highlighting as I read. I highlight the most emotionally moving parts in a book so when I open this book a second (or third) time around, I am able to reminisce and ponder on my old thoughts. I always end up reflecting on how much things have changed and question why I was so emotional during some parts.
Books are powerful. They can make us instantly switch emotions, moods, minds, locations, and even time periods. They bring us to places we want to go, and let us be the people we want to be. The decision of whether we choose to enforce these changes into reality is up to ourselves.
Words can sometimes be the one thing we need to leap head first into our fears.
Let them change your life a little.
We have nothing to lose.

Journal

Rotten.

There are so many instances where I can’t understand why I did what I did.

Failed dreams, life-altering choices, unhealthy relationships, toxic events.

There are so many unexplained decisions that have changed me in ways that I still can’t understand. And to tell you the truth, I really don’t know who I am. But I know that one day I will. So I’m still here. And here is good.

Journal

Writing right.

I used to think that bad things had to happen in order for raw passion to be exerted into things, especially writing. I’ve been in love, fallen out of it, even swore against it at some point. But recently, I don’t think I’ve ever been this passionate about something. New ideas, goals, and dreams are just spilling out of me. Sometimes, but not often, my imagination gets the best of me and makes me question my ability to accomplish what I want. The future is scary. I guess that’s why we have to jump head first into things quickly before we begin to question or regret them.

I’ve started guiding my life into a direction that I’m finally excited about. I’m preparing myself for what my future can become one day. I’m pretty eager.
Change is amazing.

Journal

No end.

I’d like to think that my life is all put together.
Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it really does feel that way.
Other times, I feel that I am barely capable of washing my own hair.
[And sometimes, under really intoxicated instances, I can’t even do that.]

There are moments where I feel confident in my ability to tackle everything that is thrown at me, however there are other moments where I am blinded by the difficulty of growing older. I’m not ready for the future! I’m not prepared enough. What am I supposed to do with myself? Can’t time just wait a second for me to catch my breath?

I’ve learned there’s no finish line. There’s only now. And ‘now’ continues for just about forever. I’m completely terrified by the thought of that, but I guess we all are. Let’s go.